10. What she calls a "Tupperware Party," the FBI calls a "Three-Week Standoff"

9. She tried to rob a convenience store with her Martha Stewart glue gun

8. Instead of "Mom," she makes you call her "Xena, Warrior Princess"

7. You and your eight siblings are all named Carl

6. It took her four years before she divorced Donald Trump

5. She insists on eating Mother's Day dinner under the porch

4. Every morning, says, "Wake up, or you'll be late for Comet Hale-Bopp!"

3. Whenever you lose a sock, it turns up in that night's meat loaf

2. Believes Eddie Murphy really was just giving that hooker a ride

1. Your name is Michael Jackson, Jr.